Goldilocks And The Three Beers!

The story of Goldilocks has been told and retold and has suffered various misconceptions along the way. Of course, you’ve heard the version where a blonde girl drank some porridge and hung out with a family of bears. BUT that is not the truth. Goldilocks was a boy and his hair, was black.

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy whose skills far exceeded those of others in his little village. You see, he was well versed in the art of manipulating gold and making locks. His talents earned him the name Goldilocks Smith.

On a particularly hot afternoon on his way back from work, he came upon a little hut with little windows which he peered through to find a little table on which lay three big bottles of beer. Feeling particularly drained, exhausted and tempted, he knocked on the door of the little hut. Since he received no answer, he pushed the door and found it to be open.

The house seemed deserted and the beers seemed inviting, so he helped himself after deciding that he would explain his intrusion into their fine home once the owners returned. In his thirst, he drained the three bottles in quick succession. He staggered around the little hut till he came upon a bed, on which he lowered himself and was soon engulfed in a deep slumber. 

He woke up hours later to find himself in the presence of three hairy, uniformed men who he feared had been eyeing him as he slept. “You are under arrest for breaking and entering, Goldilocks” said the hairiest of the men. Despite Goldilocks’ attempts to explain himself and his demands to see his lawyer, his case was promptly filed and he was soon carted off to the village prison.

Here, he was shoved into a cell with big burly men who had tattooed arms and faces. After a few hours of eyeing him, one of the tattooed men asked Goldilocks the question that would change his life forever. “What’s your name, Sunshine?”

Moral: Never give a boy an effeminate name.

Goldilocks remained in prison for three weeks. He was released by the state post the Human Rights protest staged for his cause. He now leads a quiet life in the northern part of his village under the name Powers Boothe.