Tuesday, February 26, 2008

The only constant thing is Change

Everything seems so different, so strange.
Beanie is no longer here in India.
I miss the conversations we used to have about books, music, theater and people.
It didn't hit me so hard when she left and I can still live with the fact that she is no longer in the next class arranging her books in ascending order for the millionth time; But I still miss her.
Smilie can't afford to hang out with us anymore. She has too many problems at home.
She's left a vacant spot that no one can occupy.
In a different country with his own problems, fighting to make his dream come true, The Nightcrawler is miles away from me.
It's upsetting that he's no longer a phone call away. No one can listen to my cribs as long as he can. We talk once in a while. He laughs at me. And it makes me happy to hear him laugh like a child. So I decide not to crib.
I haven't seen much of Lulu since she shifted schools.
We live a few streets away from each other, but I never seem to have the time to go and visit her. Does that make me a bad friend?
Maami's class is on the other end of the corridor. I'm too lazy to walk all the way there. Besides, I hate her class boys who scream every time I enter their class.
So I sit in class and wait for her to visit me.
She walks in, in her usual duck like fashion, waves her arms all around, smiles at everyone and starts laughing when she looks at me.
She's the same.
But everything else has changed. I have changed.
I spend my time in school sitting in a class where I don't fit in.
I fall asleep in class; I get up with my muscles aching, my head pounding and my classmates laughing at me. I do it again the next day because I can't control it.
Astro comes to see me. She tells me about the atrocious behavior of the boys in her class. We laugh a lot and she soon leaves.
I sit and read a book. I just can't get myself to finish it. It irritates me that I don't care about what I'm reading. I don't seem to care about anything. I soon fall asleep again.
I wake up in time for economics, random thoughts go through my head as three teachers walk in and out of class.
It's finally time to leave. I listen to Doodler's jokes as we fight our way through a group of 8th graders who can't wait to get home.
My mom says Doodler has grown up to be a very beautiful girl. I agree. She has always been beautiful to me, on the inside.
Sahara says something funny in tam. I'm unable to stop laughing.
I think about it and I decide I like listening to her talk in tam, it makes me happy.
I get home. Everyone's too busy in their own world.
I'm lonely, hungry and tired.
A bowl of hot soup would really help.
I wish my life was different but I know I would never trade my life for something better.
I think about my brother. I wonder if he ever felt like this when he was growing up. I wonder if he was anything at all like me. I decide that's highly improbable.
I suddenly miss him. He likes me even though I laugh too much and pretend to be a walrus. I love him for that.
I put on music and wonder what I want to do.
I listen to a guy singing about everlasting love.
I scoff and change the song.
I wonder why I don't have girlie crushes anymore.
Cupid probably hates me. So do all the boys.
I decide that I'm never gonna know what it's like to be in love.
I listen to more music. Most of it feels like noise.
I think about Boo. How can I feel he's a part of my life after such a short while? It somehow makes no sense.
I'm unable to figure out if he makes my life simpler or just complicates it too much.
I wonder why my life is so much about me?!
I get bored of these random thoughts.
I get bored of everything.
At the end of the day, I realize that all is need is a hug.
But no one's around to give me one.

16 comments:

doodler said...

Your getting a hug from me tomorrow.

:)

voluntarily,lol

The Survivor said...

Surprises/Shocks in life can be a b*tch. Sometimes. I think I have the right to say that :)
Shit happens. Only you can turn that shit into biomass (translation: optimism is the key to a happy, healthy life.)

Anyway, you'll get a big hug from me too! :D

[1000Rs/-. No cheque, cash only.]

smokey360 said...

bah
eggjam tension
knock it off

you're too smelly for a hug :)

*gives hug anyway, with nose clips*

amrit said...

Awwww. Hugs sweetheart!

pavan said...

awwww....sorry there....slap me hard....
hug me later....
I know now why u feel like a tooth paste.....ur being crushed from all directions by that stupid brain of urs.....just thinking too much....
but one part of that brain hasn't lost its gloss....tht english speaking part I mean...
cos wowwwwww......I felt like I was being transferred into ur world....not suddenly either...being transferred gradually like on a slow moving wave or something....
u've got it in u to become a great writer jean...
hugs again

Percy said...

>:D< the biggest hug u got so far..............i can relate to that......like all my peers have told shit happens.....and yeah i m gonna fail this year i m pretty sure........so i dunno wat to say......cheer up!

vishesh said...

hmmm.....its you who can help your self....after all everyone won't be there when you want to...its left to you to do what you want...

Sumithra said...

aww, I feeel lk giving u a biggggg hug rite now!!!!! *hugs* the next time i see u, me huggy u! -uhhhmm i dun got a nickname...sooo i will give u a clue, the one who comes along with maamii! :)

Siddharth said...

This post would make Adolf Fucking Hitler bawl like a kid.

Only,I doubt you want Hitler hugging you.

Cheers!

JollyRoger said...

Hey nice post!!!

Abhishek... inside out said...

everyone needs a hug sometime or the other. people should take up hugging as a profession. its equivalent to being a therapist.
don't be sad,
life's not that bad,
all my friends just tell me is,
wait till you have to learn more of CAD
kind of a geeky poem.
i am the geek, right?

Whitelighter said...

even change can change... and when it does... who knows, u just might feel different... and with so many hugs from so many different people... u might start feeling suffocated!!

daydreamingoralce said...

ok no more being mysterious!:P

this is all i have to say:

hugs can be injurious to your well being... too much hugging can turn you into a high pitch screaming, yuppie-cheerleadrish specimen!
hence hugging destroys grey matter! :P
be smart! say NO to hugs! :P

and dont blame yourself for having no crushes... blame the boys/men..
there is quantity but no quality! :P

Infernus said...

aww .. here's a 'virtual' hug ;-) :-)

great post ! :-)

Leela said...

@Blog
RIP.

Vinodh said...

*hugs*
sigh...hell...change is constant..
shaktimaan is no more on television..thats a shame!
that would have helped kill some boredom..